America’s party being crashed since the first settlers left England

By Chris Yonker
September 7, 2007
The Post: weekly column

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Millions of immigrants throughout history agree; America is the place to be! Since 15,000 B.C., when the first people migrated to North America via the land bridge with Asia, this land had been the envy of all others.

It is no wonder why those first inhabitants chose to settle here in the first place. We have the most beautiful and spacious skies, our grain has been certifiably amber since the first crop and our purple mountains have consistently been called majestic by experts.

For thousands of years, these first Americans and their descendants kept the continent to themselves. Eventually, the Europeans stopped in to see how their long lost cousins were doing and found just how much greener the grass is on the other side.

All these Europeans invited their friends over to America and the newcomers invited their friends and eventually people were coming to America without any invitation at all. The continent-wide party had gotten way out of hand.

The native hosts of the party had been cool with just a few people coming over and hanging out, but they wanted to keep t a small event with a few select people. The party soon spiraled out of control and the guests revolted, imprisoning the indigenous Americans in the bedroom while the party continued unchecked downstairs.

We didn’t like to do it, but we had to start checking IDs at the door. America is a big place with so many sights to drink in, but there is only so much to go around before the place runs dry.

For a while, America existed as a stable party state with few to no interruptions. Sure, we had a noise violation every once in a while, but every country has at least one.

We could have continued partying on forever, but the party next door has started to die down. Still looking to maintain that good feeling, guests from that party have been trying to sneak into ours.

We have tried everything to keep these crashers out but they keep sneaking in. They tunnel under our walls, travel in makeshift rafts across the waters and use fake IDs to get in.

And once they are in, these party crashers are bringing down the party. Jobs that once belonged to loyal, hardworking Americans now belong to this scum. Sure, nobody is setting their drink on the stereo. But the party may not be strong enough to support the discarded American workers. They are already clogging up the corners, asking for handouts.

The only solution is to stop letting people into our party. We are at a point now where the party crashers are doing jobs that most American workers don’t want to (making sure nobody taps the fish tank) and good jobs are still available for the original partygoers.

But for how long? How long can the party afford to employ a talented American disc jockey, spinning the beats that all the boys and girls crave. When will capitalism supersede fun, leaving the party no choice but to cheaply employ a Mariachi-playing maestro?

What makes our American party great is the diversity that every guest brings, but there has to be a limit o the amount of people we can admit. Until the party goes worldwide, we have no choice but to keep the crashers out.

Chris Yonker is a senior journalism major. Send him an e-mail at [address now likely defunct]@ohiou.edu